This naked poetry, these calloused lines
Folded in half and in half again
Slipped into pockets silently and
Screaming of a secret love.
(And anger that always subsided
And devotion that never wavered, even in the darkness
And friendship and anticipation and impatience
And all that comes with it and love again
after the storm)

Laughing and crying and pretending and
Finally finding (to my disappointment)
That the truth was what I had to force myself to see:
That your heart wasn't worn on your sleeve,
But tucked somewhere deep inside.
I'd never touch it like I had wanted.

This neverending stream of words reached out to you
Like a heart that had known too many lonely nights.
But in a fit of blind, enraged passion (I blame myself, you know
I always did.)
You threw them back.
Too weak to catch
I watched in horror
As line after line was fed through your soul
And turned back out as an artless mess.

I cried a thousand times over,
Sobs turning into smiles at the most inopportune moments.
(And you made me feel confused and I hated that.)
I couldn't forget what you'd said
How you cared and caressed without a touch
(How you'd laughed and said to forget it all.)
I couldn't forget you and you pulled at my heart.

From then I knew I'd find
Regret spilling like fireflies.
Up
  Up
    Up
And out into the night.

Well worn paths and broken dreams
Discarded for empty pages and faith in our own feet to find the way.
That was how the year progressed
With smaller steps than I would have admitted to wanting.

It went unspoken then for the months we were apart.
Because you wanted it that way, and I was tired of trying.
So summer days drug on
And i wondered how you were, but I never asked because Silence was easier than forming the questions
With my numbed lips.
And I was still afraid.

And I fought with myself
(I wanted to hate you
With the passion with which you hated me
But I didn't have the strength.)
Still, I felt it swelling up inside me
The moment we met again.
You looked in my eyes (my God
those eyes that could hold the world enthralled)
And wrapped your arms around me
And I let myself melt in that second
That smile, those thoughts, the past.
Relief flooded over me and a grin played on my face.
Behind that exterior
A death waited to grip your heart.
You watched innocently without knowing. I let you.
And I couldn't speak (and I couldn't cry)
What I thought
Because you took away my breath and voice and ability to care about the world.

And so paragraph upon paragraph built up
And circled around to this moment
When the silence overwhelmed me
And the quiet took its toll
And the words were flowing fluidly out without care for punctuation or form or sense.
And I loved you despite the truth.
And I always will.